amuse yourself

The funniest joke ever is Donald 'Jessica' Trump - who is now begging for money to pay off his heavy fines worth tens and maybe hundreds of millions. Poor lovie.

👦🏻🍳🏡🐔🌾

Little Johnny comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said Little Johnny.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.

He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.

He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

Little Johnny looks up at his mother with a smile, and says: "Are you going to tell him, or should I?"

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A guy walks into a bar and sits on a stool.

In front of him, he sees a big jar full of change and a little card that reads:

"Hello, if you would like to win all of this money you have to make the horse at the end of the bar laugh.COST $5"

So, he puts in five dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

Two minutes later they come out and the horse is laughing so hard that he pissed on the floor.

So the guy takes the money and leaves.

The next day the same guy walks into the bar again and sees the horse and the jar, this time it says:

"You can win all of this if you make the horse cry .COST $10"

So he puts in 10 dollars and takes the horse into the bathroom.

Four minutes later they come out and the horse is crying like nobody ever had.

So the guy takes the jar but before he can leave the bartender asks:

"How did you do that?!"

The guy says:

"The first time, I told him my dick was bigger than his, and the second time I showed him!"

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Overheard while Trump was on his knees for the picture above:-

'Dear me / er - Dear God. Please Please please please please PLEASE - I'M BEGGING YOU PLEASE let me get away with all that I am guilty of and PLEASE make me president again so I can forgive myself all the bad I have done; and where I can arrest and jail all the good people who opposed me - let me take over the world and become mega rich and mega powerful and go down in history as the biggest, the greatest ( well I already am so --- ) but - whoever it is I am faking praying to - when we all know I am the biggest God of all time, bigger and greater, so actually, fuck you God, you haven't helped me much so far so think I will take it from here - I'll allow you to take a back seat for a change and let the real ' master of the universe' takeover for you and sort things out. Bye for now. Donald Jessica Trump.

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Two friends run into each other while walking their d

Two friends run into each other while walking their dogs.

One suggests lunch. The other says, "They won't let us in a restaurant with pets."

Undeterred, the first guy and his German shepherd head into the restaurant.

The maître d' stops them, saying, "Sir, you can't bring your dog in here."

"But I'm blind," the man replies, "and this is my guide dog."

The maître d', apologizing profusely, shows both man and dog to a table.

His friend waits five minutes, then tries the same routine.

"You have a Chihuahua for a guide dog?" the skeptical maître d' says.

"A Chihuahua?" the man says. "Is that what they gave me?"

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“I am your best friend!” 😊🥃

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.

"Lou," says the shocked friend, "what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?!"

Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, "My wife just ran off with my best friend."

He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.

"But," says the other man, "I'm your best friend!"

The man turns to his friend, looks at him through bloodshot eyes, smiles, and then slurs,

"Not anymore! He is!"

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