SMILE WHILE YOU READ.

A 50 something year old white woman arrived at her seat on a crowded flight and immediately didn't want the seat. The seat was next to a black man. Disgusted, the woman immediately summoned the flight attendant and demanded a new seat. The woman said,

"I cannot sit here next to this black man."

The fight attendant said,

"Let me see if I can find another seat."

After checking, the flight attendant returned and stated,

"Ma'am, there are no more seats in economy, but I will check with the captain and see if there is something in first class.”

About 10 minutes went by and the flight attendant returned and stated,

“The captain has confirmed that there are no more seats in economy, but there is one in first class. It is our company policy to never move a person from economy to first class, but being that it would be some sort of scandal to force a person to sit next to an UNPLEASANT person, the captain agreed to make the switch to first class."

Before the woman could say anything, the attendant gestured to the black man and said,

"Therefore sir, if you would so kindly retrieve your personal items, we would like to move you to the comfort of first class as the captain doesn't want you to sit next to an unpleasant person."

Passengers in the seats nearby began to applause while some gave a standing ovation.

------------------------

Dear John: I would like to come and stay and have 3 Service Dogs and although you make a charge for dogs, I assume my three Chihuahua - so only small dogs - will be for free. Can you give me a price for 3 night stay in July. I don't mind sharing a room as it sounds horny to do so. Josh

--------------

Josh: Your dogs are NOT SERVICE DOGS they are companions. Since when has the smallest dog breed been seen as a Service Dog ? Sorry but I DO NOT believe that at all. What you do is take it away from those with genuine health problems that NEED a genuin and highly trained Service Dog - a proper Service Dog like an 'All Seeing Eye Dog' or one that opens doors etc while yours can do none of these things so sorry, I do not believe they are Service Dogs at all.

There will be a full charge for the dogs and I DO NOT think it suitable to share a room with a complete stranger AND HAVE HIM SUFFER YOUR THREE DOGS ? Not everyone loves your tiny pooches Josh.

I have had dogs for decades and I do know and appreciate, which you seem not to - that not everyone likes dogs Josh and you would need a room on your own.

John

--------------------

In 1988, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole called the recording studio at 3 a.m. and said he had to record a song right away. 15 minutes later, Israel arrived at the studio.

The studio owner, Milan Bertosa said, "And in walks the largest human being I had seen in my life.

" A security guard gave the 500-pound man a large steel chair to sit on. Milan said,

"Then I put up some microphones, do a quick sound check, roll tape, and the first thing he does is 'Somewhere Over the Rainbow.' He played and sang, one take, and it was over."

Today, Israel Kamakawiwo'ole's version, is the most requested one of this classic song.

CLICK HERE TO LISTEN TO HIM SING

-------------------------------

What would you do if a neighbor used your swimming pool while you weren't home and without permission?

I think I would suggest he and any of his that had used the pool immediately make appointments with doctors to have their eyes, ears, throat skin and orifices all checked. A Handiman you ran into at either Home Depot, or Lowe’s, (you can’t remember which), said he was working on the formula for a highly effective pool cleaner

One big problem. The stuff was so toxic it has caused some catastrophic reaction to skin, sensory organs and hair of those coming into contact too soon after water that had been treated with it. The time after use is suggested to be 2 weeks before resumed use. That is why your family has not been in the pool for a while and why you had all the lawn furniture overturned to remind them of the hazard.

You never dreamed that anyone else would just take the liberty of using your property as their own. The bad news first. Your insurance will not cover loss or injury because anyone on your property, without permission, is a trespasser and since illegally using your yard and amenities, no coverage.

The stuff the guy mixed worked so well with the grease and oil on the driveway and garage floor, you have tried to locate him and he seems to have disappeared. You have no way of finding out what was in it and you don’t have any left, or even a container it came in. It started melting and you took it to the hazardous waste drop off.

The story may have a little gloss on it but with anyone so presumptuous as to do what he did is due for a wake up call and if he takes it personally, he isn’t worth the indigestion to preserve the friendship anyhow. If he makes up, invite him over for a beer and have a laugh at the comeuppance you served to retalliate!.

After all, you never claimed you actually used the imaginary stuff!

----------------------

When Forest Gump died, he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "Welcome, Forest. We've heard a lot about you." He continued, "Unfortunately, it's getting pretty crowded up here and we find that we now have to give people an entrance examination before we let them in."

"Okay," said Forest. "I hope it's not too hard. I've already been through a test. My momma used to say, 'Life is like a final exam. It's hard.' "

"Yes, Forest, I know. But this test is only three questions. Here they are."

1) Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'?"

2) How many seconds are in a year?

3) What is God's first name?

"Well, sir," said Forest, "The first one is easy. Which two days of the week begin with the letter 'T'? Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter looked surprised and said, "Well, that wasn't the answer I was looking for, but you have a point. I give you credit for that answer."

"The next question," said Forest, "How many seconds are in a year? Twelve."

"Twelve?" said St. Peter, surprised and confused.

"Yes, sir. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd …"

St. Peter interrupted him. "I see what you mean. I'll have to give you credit for that one, too."

"And the last question," said Forest, "What is God's first name? It's Andy."

"Andy?" said St. Peter, in shock. "How did you come up with 'Andy'?"

"I learned it in church. We used to sing about it." Forest broke into song, "Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me, Andy tells me I am His own."

St. Peter opened the gate to heaven and said, "Run Forest, Run!"

---

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer boobs, ya penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says,

"I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts,

"Piss off, ya f**king little w**kers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough to you.'

------------------------------

Are you freakin serious???

So after leaving the drive thru today, I took my sandwich out of the bag and I see THIS!! Seriously? Oh not today, not today!! I went back to the restaurant, went INSIDE (already fuming), asked to speak to the manager and then threw the sandwich on the counter. I asked him for an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing on the sandwich and demanded that he tells me why someone felt the need to write it on my sandwich.

He answered, "because you ordered a BLT with cheese??”

To which I replied “Oh”

-------------------------------

What has life taught you so far?

1) Trust no one, and this may include your own relatives and the LGBT scene. 2) Big business cannot be trusted.
3) Hard work is directly proportional to doing well.
4) Lovers are not always as faithful and honest as they could be.
5) Best friends come and go.
6) People in your age group might not be as mature as you.
7) Never hold someone back even if you will miss them.
8) Married gay men are often the homophobes.
9) A hobby can ease stress - oh and so can sex. 10) Winter, is the time to wrap up warm.
11) Financial issues can destroy a happy family.
12) Sleep and laughter is the best medicine.
13) A true friend can only be judged when they help you in your dire need.
14) Life goes on and time heals a lot.
15) Holding on to negative aspects of the past isn't healthy.
16) Remember the good times and forget the bad.
17) Marmite lovers always love, Marmite.
18) If you don't like dogs, there is something wrong with you. 19) Learn independence young and you cannot go wrong.
20) Religion is the most dangerous, brutal and destructive element there is for destroying a persons mind, body and soul. 21) I am my own best friend. ) I am my own best friend.