What is next for me ?

An e mail from a reader of this newsletter.

Dear John.

I have wanted to write for a long time and now, here I am.

I am the same age as you.

Two years ago I also had a UTI and like you, was hospitalized.

Reading your accounts brought it back and I knew exactly where you were at.

I also had a catheter. It was in place for 6 weeks.

Since then I have been on meds for my prostate.

I have not had an erection since.

I use to be an active top. I was good.

Now it seems that is all behind me.

And it saddens me.

I can wank, although it is like 'flogging a dead horse.'

I eventually cum, but not with a decent hard on at all and I cannot prolong it for long or I loose it.

In my youth I was a professional dancer.

I was on telly and in pantomimes and all sorts.

I was never famous, but always had work.

Then in my late 30's I had serious varicose vein problems. That was the end of my dancing career.

It was like the end of the world for me.

What was I to do ?

I went into teaching dance.

It worked well for me but I desperately missed the smoke and mirrors, make up and fun of performing live and in front of an audience. The excitement, the nerves, as well as the money. That was my first loss I suppose. The loss of my career and the loss of being able to dance as I once did.

It still saddens me all these years later.

30 years or more later, I am at another loss.

The loss of my dick.

The loss of erections.

And this time, there is no alternative, no Viagra for me as I have blood pressure problems. So I have to live with a ' once decent dick' that is now, just limp and - useless.

I still fancy. I still have sexual desires. The last time I did have sex was a disaster. He actually complained I couldn't get a hard on. I told him off and threw him out. Not very understanding.

It hurt me though. I have not had sex since.

I see the pictures you send each week and there are always a couple of guys I could waste an evening with, but know it would be disappointing for them, and so I go without rather than embarrass myself with a limp dick.

But I do so fancy and desire and feel so emotionally and physically frustrated.

My body as a dancer was taught and tight.

My body as a 70 year old - isn't.

I am now invisible to many.

Growing old is not much fun.

Inside I am still young and able. Inside I have the same desires and wants.

Inside I still look at guys and want, but those messages do not go south and reach my dick.

I have not given up and still live in hope, be it delusional or not, I still have hope.

That's all I can have, hope. Maybe one day I will meet the right guy who doesn't mind if I get an erection or not as - besides being a top, I was always the best at giving head and anything oral. That's all I can offer these days but everyone wants to get fucked. I can't do that any more.

I feel at a loss. I feel old on the outside.

Inside, - it's a different story.

I want to come to your Cock and Ball weekends and can I ask, would I be good for that weekend ? Is it something for me ?

I try not to get depressed about it as I am not the depressed sort, but it does get me down sometimes and I do wonder what is next for me...

At 70, I have to adapt my wants and desires to what I can physically manage.

It's no fun getting old. I miss my dick and the fun I use to have with it.

Larry.

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John Bellamy Answers:

You ask - ' What is next for me ' - and the answer is staring you in the face. We have all seen our parents growing older. We have all seen old age even when we were young, and it is no surprise that it comes to all of us - in one way or the other.

You know what is next for you, we all do, and whether it be a miserable time or a joyous one, is up to you and how you adapt and grow with your body changes and learn to accept things as they are and be THANKFUL for how things were - as it could always have been much worse.

It does sadden but then you have to realise that - as in my case - I lost scores of friends who were my age at the time - between 30 - 40 - who died back in the 1980's from HIV or AZT poisoning, and they never got to experience the aches and pains of old age, and never got to know what it was like to live past 40 and I am here and alive and while with aches and pains, AT LEAST I AM FEELING THESE ACHES AND PAINS and this means I am still alive...

I managed to live an interesting life, full of ups and downs, and a life that many envy and I made it all by myself - and I give thanks for that. I have lived a life that could easily have been shared between a dozen people, or more - and I have lived it for those I lost back then.

I have lived it also - for me - and when I die, I shall be a very happy bunny for the life I have lived.

It's been an amazing adventure.

It really has, so far...

We all remember what it was like to be young. We all know how hard it is getting older. That feeling of being invisible and ignored where once .... You really do have to ' go with the flow' and be thankful .

You really do.

As hard and as achy as that may be.

There is - after all - no alternative, so enjoy the changes, the aches and pains, the decades past. Look back and give thanks you made it this far, regardless and be thankful, as many - almost a whole generation of young handsome gay men , died decades before their time and here you are - complaining about getting old ????

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