Why do so many gay men want a lover ?

Here are some of your questions :-

Dear John: Being asked out to dinner by a gay couple and their friends was fraught recently as I was the only single person at the table and I was treated with a certain amount of suspicion and distain. Why do you think this was ?

Jacob

John: Since my partner left me a couple of years ago I have desperately wanted to get into another relationship but seem unable to meet anyone quite like my Arthur. Is there hope for me ?

Martin

John: My wife died 15 years ago and while I had a boyfriend for a few years after - I have been alone ever since and you know what, I absolutely love it.

Robert

Dear John: After decades with a wife and then 10years with a gay lover I found myself in my 60's alone and lonely. But I learned that I was not alone as I had myself for company and all I needed do was make friends with me again, me as a single guy and not the me I was for so many decades - me as seen through someone else's eyes - me as part of someone else - me as part of a family - me as part of a work team and never - just me - and you know what, I thoroughly enjoy being single and can get sex if and when I want it without all the hassle of being in a relationship. Cold winters nights I miss having someone to cuddle up to, so I bought a dog and we cuddle and meet others out while walking and I soon made new ' doggy ' friends and their owners and life is good. It's great being single. William.

John: I am 71. I have lived alone this last 20 years. I have no friends. I never go out. Other than social care, I meet no one. I go for long walks and speak to no one and other than the cashier at Tesco, I rarely talk to anyone. I know you will tell me this is for me to sort out but I am shy. Would a few days at Hamilton Hall help.

Duncan.

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John Bellamy answers:-

' Naturally, all these e mails received a personal answer and some an invite for a few free days here on me.

I receive e mails all the time filled with an assortment of questions and requests and the common one lately - it would seem - especially since lockdown, is from people living alone and desperately seeking a partner / lover / companion of some sort.

Loneliness seems prevalent within the LGBT world especially amongst the older generation as many of our friends died back in the 80's and 90's and if in a committed relationship, it is common to let outside friendships slide as you are now with someone, and that someone tends to fill all your needs - but in truth - YOU MUST ALWAYS keep your old friends and make time for them as you always did and incorporate the two relationships, as if one goes belly up, you are not lost.

From 16 - 30 I was in several long term committed relationships and as a twin, felt I needed that someone special there all the time.

Over the years that proved not to be the case and when I found myself alone - I was also in that 'I need a lover ' space that pretty soon - I got over and realised actually, I did not.

I was a whole person. My thoughts and my deeds mattered. My opinions were valued and I was respected for who I was and not for being a part of someone else.

What I needed, was friends.

I was a whole person and regardless of those feelings of need - I DIDN'T 'NEED' AT ALL AND THOSE FELINGS WERE CONDITIONING - it is bred into us to grow up and get married and start a family and therefore, you are with someone else. but in reality that does not work for the VAST majority of people who live alone, may be bringing up children alone, and especially the elderly if and when a partner dies find themselves alone and assume they will never find love again.

That is one of the saddest aspects of growing older ;-

1) Realising you have less years ahead as you had in the past.

2) If retired, you will never know a work routine and work buddies again.

3) It is less likely to fall in love again and feel those warm arms of embrace through love - and as you get older, those arms of embrace will probably cost you and are offered from a sex worker.

( does that make me sound cynical...?)

If you do find love again, it is often with another ' oldie' and probably not what you would have looked for decades ago but now you are older yourself, you cannot be as choosy or picky and must accept you are not exactly prime rib yourself these days.

If you find yourself a younger partner, there is always the worry if they are genuinely with you for the right reasons or what you can do for them, and how they might turn and run when a better - younger - offer comes alone.

But then, we are all cut from the finest cut and regardless of age or anything, each and every day is our 'top drawer day,' our 'prime,' and we just need to see that there are different stages of being ' in your prime.' Clearly being in your prime at 24 and 74 - there are differences and given a choice, who wouldn't want to be 24 again - but then, with a reality check and remembering through clear and not rose tinted glasses, things were just as hard and frightening back then,- and now with age, those fears and worries are gone, as with wisdom earned through the years, we are wiser and not so much in need and demand less from life and we are happy with what we have and if not - then that really is up to you to sort out and not be the miserable old cunt so many old people seem to be. Many revel in their isolation and that ' feeling sorry for myself ' aspect of so many peoples daily existence.

I hear it here at Hamilton Hall, people come and are all miserable as here they are having some fun and they know they will return to their self imposed isolation and as I always say -

' You are here - now - with people - and you are being a miserable man because you have missed this kind of company and are sad it is only for a short few days and you are spoiling those few days with feeling sorry for yourself, rather than really pushing the boat out and having some fun while you are here - with other people around you - all free and available for a chat and maybe something more intimate, and you are blowing it.

I have seen relationships blossom here to be cut off before they really get going because one person is so doubtful , no lonely and so isolated they cannot trust or believe the possibility of a relationship even exists and so totally put the brakes on and bring everything to a screaming halt - when it could have grown and evolved into something beautiful, but their own doubts and fears ruined it before it even had a chance - AND MANY PEOPLE DO THIS and then wonder why people ignore them and why they are alone.

LIGHTEN UP... CHEER UP... BE FUN... BE A LAUGH...

YOU MAY BE OLD BUT YOU ARE NOT DEAD YET.

Hamilton Hall is here for you and many friendships and relationships have been born here and that, my dear, is always up to you, just like everything else in life -

IT'S ALL UP TO YOU.

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